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August 23, 2004
Trying Times of Tina
It’s not easy staying clean. When I think about the guys out there right now with whom I’ve had quite a bit of fun, I get angst-ridden; because this one or that one uses crystal. Here I am trying to stay clean and not having the kind of fun that I want…
This is where the fantasy gets separated from reality. The kind of fun that I think I want is something that eliminates days at a time from my life. Just two months ago I was acting out on sexual behavior like I was a kid in a candy store, all over again. It culminated in a bedroom with a man that had known for years who had a glass pipe sitting on his dresser with residue (of crystal meth) in it. It’s a miracle I survived that encounter with only a relapse on poppers to my name. The sad part is that even after I understood what danger I was in, I remained.
I have a friend who relapsed on Tina this past Saturday. He was returning a video that he borrowed back in May, and the guy invited him over to see his place. When my friend got there, the guy was partying with other guys at the house. My friend couldn’t resist the temptation. He’s back on day two, and pretty much beating up on himself. Of course, it’s always hard explaining these things to your lover. You bet I understand what he’s going through.
Being that I have a lover, albeit in prison, I’m not interested in any serious relationships. Unfortunately, most of the guys available for the quick and nasty around this town are tweaking, or are, at the very least, not the most mentally healthy of individuals. Every encounter with someone knew opens me up to potential exposure to drugs, no matter what the person says; or some psychopath who is going to take our encounter as invitation to stalk me.
Guys lie to get laid. Dudes tweaked out on Tina lie without even trying. You can message someone that you’re not interested in someone that’s using and he’ll sit there, typing that he hates it too while at the same time injecting a needleful of crankwater into his arm. You can’t take someone’s word that they’re not partying, even if you happen to know the dude. Take my word for it.
So, to save myself, I’m in a period of ninety days of abstinence from sexual encounters with other guys. Or girls, I have to remember, because I’m just sick enough to justify it by saying, “Well, she’s a chick, I said no sex with men, didn’t I?” Today is day 56. I’m managing well enough, with the occasional pipe cleaning when my dreams start getting too weirdly sexual. It allows me to focus on other, more important things.
Like setting up play dates for after September 27…
Or maybe planning a trip to visit my significant other the very same time.
Posted by Bastique at August 23, 2004 11:41 PM
Comments
May I just say I love your journals, and that Ive been clean and sober for three years on Sept the 8th. AND Ive been abstinent from any sexual activity for about a day now, but before that a week, but before THAT 3 mos, I feel your pain bro. And I'll literally find myself getting lost in thoughts about it. At meetings at BIBLE STUDY! AWWW CMON NOW! Yeah all of a sudden I'll just have my eyes closed and a thought will just run through my head, next thing I know I'm in some sort of wierd sexual dream trance thing. And Im like WAKE UP JULI YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING GRANDMA A SPONGE BATH!!!
And all of a sudden Im like "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" and poor gramma is having a heart attack from my sudden screaming and wild gropping at her chest.
*Shudder*
Posted by: Jules at October 1, 2005 9:37 PM